I think I need therapy

Dear Wilfred,

I am standing on the edge of a new chapter. I am so excited that I can barely contain it. But the past casts a shadow and the flashbacks of trauma are happening more frequently. I want to be free and start the new chapter with a spring in my step but my resentment, anger and pain have built this cage and I don't remember ever having a key. 

This all sounds so dramatic but I don't really know how else to explain it. I don't see a way forward or a resolution when everyone wants to pretend that nothing happened. That goes for me too. I have been conditioned to hide my feelings since I was a child, that I acknowledge that I may be emotionally stunted. I can't be vulnerable, I can't show emotion - happy or sad. What is that about?

I was emotionally torn to pieces and no one cared. Still, no one cares. And the leftovers don't fit together to make something whole.

I know that you would have good advice. I know you would probably tell me to just get on with it. You would be right. This is how I have been living and it always comes back stronger than before when I try to ignore it.

How do you heal a wound that you have become numb to? How do you make a crushed soul feel light again and make it feel worth while?

How do you cure toxic independence? How do I open up my heart to those around me when there is barely anything left.

I have so many questions and not so many answers. The next few weeks will be a rollercoaster and I am standing on the edge of sanity looking into nothingness. Despite the title of this letter, I go to therapy and it isn't the magic pill I thought it would be. 

In all this, I hold on to the love that I found in you. The only one who saw me, the only one who wanted to. Thank you. I want to make your life mean something a little extra by being the best that I can, because although my family abandoned me, I was loved by you. And it was the only reason that I have not fallen.

All my love,

A