Alone in a crowed room

Dear Wilfred,

You have always been direct with people. Friendly, take no nonsense, sassy. I wonder if you ever had trouble with friends. You seemed to make and keep them. Things are not so simple for me.

This week I had to have a hard conversation with a friend about where she has disappeared to for the last 3 months. It took a lot out of me and still bothers me. I had that sick feeling of nerves in my stomach before the phone call. She called and was all smiles. Which made me feel even worse because I knew I was going to take it away very quickly. 

One thing to know about me is that if I don't say what is on my mind, I become resentful. Eventually I disconnect from people whom I feel don't care. It is easier than talking about it and showing emotion. I don't like people to know that they have hurt me. So this was a scary experience. 

I went to see Carlo yesterday and he thinks that I keep everyone at arms length whether I am angry with them or not. That has definitely got me thinking. Do I do this? If I do then why. But that is a rabbit hole for another time. 

You know that I have never fully been able to rely on family or friends. This excludes you-of course. Any time that I talk about my family negatively, trust that it never includes you. I have always felt the need to do everything myself and look after myself because I was taught that no one looks after you or cares about you. In additional, the message (verbally and other) was that asking for anything was an inconvenience, and you should try as much as possible to stay out of people's way. In summary, no one wants to look after you, so do it yourself. Maybe this makes me cold or crazy, or both.

I did ignore this advice as much as I could and tried to get some kind of subtle love and care from my friends. Then I realize while writing this that they showed their love for me and it was anything but subtle at times. MP used to cook for me and massage my back when my muscles would spasm from the migraines. EK hired a car and drove me to the hospital when I broke my leg. AN took me for a weekend away to celebrate me. CV gave me a safe haven when I felt that my life was falling apart. LS and I used to eat fast food in my parked car and sing on the top of our lungs until I stopped crying. JH travelled from England to France to be with me on a boat during the snow on my birthday. AC cares for me every day by looking after the cats, buying the groceries, doing all the heavy lifting. 

The above is all so much, too much. I don't feel that I deserve it. It is very hard to ask for help or believe that I am worthy of love.

I feel like an annoyance if I ask for what I need from my friends. And if I dare to have expectations, it makes getting let down or disappointed feel even worse. I tried to mitigate the feeling of being let down by removing expectations. But that doesn't really work, does it? 

I know that you will have some wise words. 

Maybe you will tell me that clearly I am loved. Maybe you will say that I had a crappy upbringing and I need to shift my thinking. Maybe you will say that it is okay to have expectations and express when you have been hurt. Maybe.

I love and miss you especially today.

A