Not this again

Dear Wilfred,

It feels like a glass was dropped inside me. On Thursday I had my first breakdown in the last year. 

I had to realise a few things:

1: I am not as strong as I try to be. Powering through has always been what I do. But this time I felt my body flip the off switch and I could no longer think or see through the fog of my mistake. Will I redeem myself? I don’t know.

2: The corporate life is unforgiving. I knew this but apparently I needed a reminder.

3: Set boundaries based on your limitations. I took on something knowing that I could not do it. I told everyone as much, but that does matter. When you take the task, it is yours. I took the task and I failed. The repercussions of this are that my self esteem has taken a huge hit. I feel like my boss hates me and has no more faith in me.  

4: Saying no will cover you even if you are forced to say yes. 

Between buying a house, hospital appointments and the threat of the giant C word, this is the last thing that I should have taken on. I could have helped in other ways. I should have realised how important the task was and should have realised that I had no business doing it.

5: Being emotionally and mentally exhausted needs time off.

Unfortunately, the you-know-what hit the fan just as I was about to take some much needed time off. I couldn’t sleep because of the anxiety. But when I did, it was the best sleep that I have had since I was sedated for my bone marrow biopsy. 

Now I am on a plane. On the way to Milton Keynes. Quite close to where you grew up, Wilfred. I doubt I will get much sleep in the coming days but I am grateful for the distraction. 

6: Perhaps this happened so that I can evaluate if this is the place for me to be. Which area do I want to work in? Which kind of people do I want to work with? Which topic will make the confrontation worth it?

Is this confrontation worth it?

The short and immediate answer is no. 

I spent 8+ years in the advertising industry. Something I should not have done. For my own sanity, I don’t want to take more hits like I did yesterday. If I take the hits they need to be worth it, for a cause that I can believe in.

I know that you would have had some good advice. I know you don’t approve of my job hopping. And the work force of today confuse you with their ambition & restlessness. 

I miss you in these moments when I need anchoring. When I need to feel worth something again. 

I miss you.

Love,

A